Who Will I Be?

A chrysalis is defined as the pupal stage of a butterfly.  It’s where a caterpillar makes its transformation into an adult.  The chrysalis protects this process, and it is critical in the transformation.  It’s during this stage where significant changes take place.  I heard this explanation as it relates to widowhood when I attended Camp Widow.  I didn’t fully grasp this concept last year, but I’m beginning to see it now.  I’m in this protection or chrysalis time in my grief, and there’s no timeframe on when it will end.  With the passing of my father one year and 3 days after the anniversary of my husband’s passing, I was thrust back into the early days/weeks of losing Cliff.  Back to self-isolating, irregular eating habits, and exhaustion.

I haven’t felt motivated to get behind my camera or in front of it.  There have been attempts at self-portraits, but I’ve never shared the images.  I have ideas for projects, but they’re still in the planning stages.

What I have been coming to realize is that my journey is directly related to the “why” for my business.  I help women honor their journeys through portraits.  My journey is one of rediscovery, and it deserves to be observed.  I cannot see a celebration at this point in the road, and this is okay.

With that said, I recently got in front of my camera for a self-portrait.  I also left the safe space of my apartment to complete the portrait session.  I used the prompts that I give my clients to capture these images, and I was pleased with the outcome.  I see this session as a glimmer – an enjoyable pocket of time.  This doesn’t mean that my grief is “over”.  There’s no such state of being.  Grief is a part of my life and will never leave me.  I’m learning that my life must grow around my grief, and I’m giving myself grace.